Mothers

 

 

Mothers

 

What You Ought To Know About Mothers

The other night I was speaking with my daughter. I was telling her about a funny experience I had at local restaurant when my friend ordered a “blooming’ onion “as an appetizer.

“A what”? She asked.
I hesitated a moment, “A blooming onion”.
“What’s that”?

I speak quickly so when someone questions me about something I’ve said I assume they didn’t understand.

“A -bl-o-o-m-ing on-ion” I carefully repeated.
“I don’t know what that is.”

My daughter is a bright, sophisticated, and all over the pop culture scene, 26-year-old. She graduated the University of Kentucky, for god’s sakes; a campus recognized for their basketball and football excellence. Do you mean to tell me not once, during or after one of the games, while sitting in a sports bar, in KENTUCKY, she never ordered a blooming onion?

I was certain my daughter knew what a blooming onion was;  she must have forgotten. So, I tried jostling her memory by pounding the message home.

“A blooming onion, blooming onion, you know what a blooming onion is.”
“Mom, stop, I don’t know what that is.”

What You Ought To Know About Mothers

Did I fail to teach my daughter about blooming onions, my god what kind of mother was I? But the next day I felt a surge of pride in my parenting skills. I thought, “ Not knowing what a blooming onion is a good thing. Pamela. It’s a testimony to you as a mom and the proper nutrition she had as a child”.

I stopped my self-praise when I realized  something. Since the birth of my daughter 26 years ago, this was  the first time I ever took credit for my parenting skills, and for what; a blooming onion! Was I out of my mind or just the most pathetic person walking the planet?

The Shaping Of A Mother

Right after the birth of my first child I was a mess. All the preparation I’d done, reading book, magazine articles and attending classes seemed worthless. It’s one thing to read an article about the causes of colic when you’re nine months pregnant, and another to deal with a colicky infant crying at two in the morning. Honestly, I don’t think I got out of my sweat pants for two months. But the moment I realized and accepted, “life, as I knew it was, over”; it was freeing. Becoming a mother was a new world, and I had to adjust or go out of my mind from maternal anxiety. The reason is your inner nature changes when you become a mother. It’s as though you cross over into another dimension where what you valued, regarded as significant or paid attention to no longer exists. You begin making different choices, behave in ways you never thought possible and develop a new mindset about your place in the world. The truth is once you set your new worldview it doesn’t change. For the rest of you life when you child needs you, no matter his or her age, you’ll respond like a mother.

What You Ought To Know About Mothers

Motherhood: 5  Key Identity Changes

Daughter To Mother

Soon after the birth of your child, you experience a shift in identity from being someone’s daughter to someone’s mom. Adjusting to this new person you’ve become can play havoc with your feelings and emotions. As a new mom, your mind draws a dividing line separating your past as a daughter from your new self as a mom. The split from your past self causes a complex mix of emotions to surface, especially during the first few months after giving birth. Your emotions and feelings fluctuate, and it’s typical to feel happy and sad at the same time.Swaying between the sadness at losing the mother daughter connection to joy for what’s ahead for you and your baby.

Redefining Responsibility

I considered myself a dependable person before I had a child. But I was never fully responsible for someone else’s life and the importance being totally accountable was at times, overwhelming. Besides keeping your baby alive, you are answerable for their growth and development. A mother’s influence is undervalued in our society as well as by moms themselves. Being a mom is a lifetime commitment that’s a big deal. New moms need to stand up, take ownership of the authority and value their new identity.

What You Ought To Know About Mothers

Female Networking

After childbirth perception of others and your social connection do an about face. New moms want to bond with other women either in the community or within their extended family or both. If you never a joined a social group before childbirth that changes once the baby arrives. Attending classes and forming new ‘mommy and me” friends is very common, and the emotional support of female peers is priceless. You’ll reach out to your mother and want to know more about her experiences raising you. Another identity transformation occurs within the relationships of  new moms. They begin to see the links to new female friends separately from the world with their husband or partner. A mother’s new self is  divided into,”me and baby”, me and friends” and me as part of a couple.

Your Husband

What about your husband, how does he fit into this whole new dimension called motherhood? Throw out the point system you used to weigh the good and not so good characteristics of a mate prior to motherhood.You’ll stop assessing the father of your child in terms of a partner for you. Instead, you’ll judge his behavior and actions in terms of whether he’s a good father for your child. There’s a bonus to your new evaluation system, the higher you assess his fathering capabilities, the more attractive he’ll be to you. Here’s piece of scientific fact from the animal kingdom about new moms and dads you may find interesting. A female baboon with a baby will allow a male into her life only if he demonstrates he’ll care for her baby.

What You Ought To Know About Mother

All Eyes Are On You

A mother is the last decision-maker for a baby. It’s a 24/7 job, even if you have help, you ate ultimately held accountable for any outcome. When your baby cries, poops, spits up or says his or her first words it’s you they’ll call. Somehow or other our culture has fostered the notion that mothering and nurturing a baby is innate in women. Many people believe women are natural moms and know what to do for a baby instinctively. As mothers, we too feel we’re born qualified for the job. Many of the standards we hold for the position of motherhood we formed from the mental pictures we painted in minds as little girls. As children, we were always perfect moms living in the perfect world. The world isn’t perfect  our families aren’t always perfect, and we are no longer little girls. Nurture yourself and your new identity remembering it takes time adjusting to this new dimension called, “Motherhood.”

What You Ought To Know About Mother

Have a banner day!

Pamela

 

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Before I became a mother, there were things about motherhood I knew everything about (try to control your laughter) and there were things about motherhood I knew nothing about. After all, I had read every single book there was to read on the subject, and I had a dog, so clearly, I was an expert. I had been preparing for motherhood for as long as I could remember, and I was beyond ready. Read more…

By | 2017-07-06T11:29:30+00:00 |Categories: Blog|Tags: , |
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  • Susan P. Cooper

    Have to agree with you. A kid NOT knowing what a blooming onion is is probably a really good thing. Pat yourself on the back for feeding them better than that! 🙂

    • They are pretty nasty Susan. They kind of look like some kind of deep fried underwater creature.

  • This is such an amazing post about motherhood. All the suggestions and points are up to the mark.
    I have one daughter 4 years old and when she was born, whole world just changed for me. As for his father is concerned, he is an amazing father and when my daughter at times will be sick, you will not believe that he will pick her up and all night will walk in home and tap her to relax her, at that time, I was always sleeping. Even he had to go to his work at 8 every day. I feel that in my case, father daughter bond is stronger than mother daughter bond. Our daughter is what keeps me and my husband going.

    • Pamela Chollet

      Ahhhh Andleeb That’s beautiful! All my blessings to you and family.

  • My girls are adopted but I do not consider myself their “adoptive mom”. We have a strong bond and my life changed for the better when both of them came into our lives. My role as a woman and a wife was redefined and always will be. One of my girls has some big issues and it saddens me that my immediate family cannot accept the way I “mother” her. Walk in my shoes, live in my house for 2 weeks I say, and then tell me you would do better. I could go on and one, but suffice it to say that I can relate to the Bloomin’ Onion concept!

  • This is a great post! You described so well my experience with becoming a mother. My oldest is 10 and I feel like I’m STILL adjusting!

    • I gave up adjusting and started accepting Motherhood is a “hood” in itself! And there’s no getting out : )

  • My first child was born with a genetic illness that required an incredible amount of care, not to mention an enormous learning curve and some incredible monthly expenses. I learned early on that being a mother is the ultimate wake up call. Having said this, I really do not believe that what other people (including our children) do or even the way they think, is necessarily a reflection of us. Of course we influence others and what is mirrored back to us is a reflection of ourselves, but we are all individuals, and I believe each soul has its own agenda. Even under the most favorable circumstances, children are not born with a guidebook. As a parent, we just do the best we can and our identity shifts in the sense that now we are not just ourselves. We are so and so’s mother.

    • Your statement is so true, Michele. I think we do the best we can in each given moment with the tools we have on our tool belt.

  • Safariontheblog

    Awesome post! Thanks for this Pamela.
    I had to send the link to my sister x

    • Thank you for the kind comment and for sharing! I hope your sister enjoys reading the post.

  • Tim

    To me, my Mum was the greatest ever and I miss her on a daily basis regardless of the fact that she to never taught me of the significance of the blooming onion. I was in my thirties when I first heard of one and to this day have yet try one 🙂

    • Tim, I know your Mom would thank me for what I’m about to say, “If some crazy person offers you a blooming onion, cross the street”! It’s 2000 calories of pure fat!

  • My daughter is also 26 and I could relate to the sentence: For the rest of you life when you child needs you, no matter his or her age, you’ll respond like a mother. I think as mothers we sometimes put a lot of pressure on ourselves – by thinking all this mothering stuff comes naturally and by thinking there is only one way to be a good mother.

    • Exactly right Donna. My grandmother and my mother used to say, “you’ll understand when you’re a mother” and I’ve found myself saying the same phrase to my daughter. There truly are things in life only moms know.

    • Exactly right Donna. My grandmother and my mother used to say, “you’ll understand when you’re a mother” and I’ve found myself saying the same phrase to my daughter. There truly are things in life only moms know.

  • I have two sons and a daughter, grown now. I’ll never forget the initial high I experienced with the birth of my first. The best way I could describe it then was that I’d “plugged into a primal experience of womankind.” That I was this marvelous new little person’s mother was an overwhelming consideration.

    In my high school teaching days, I recall standing in front of a bunch of teenagers (some not always that endearing) and seeing each as that precious little critter that “mom” gave birth to and still loves no matter what. Doing that had a heart-softening effect on me, especially on challenging days, not that I had too many of those, mind you! 🙂

    I’d have to say that the most complex and likely the most demanding relationship I’ve ever had is with my daughter. Friction points and all, the bonding that exists feels fiercely visceral in a way different than with my sons. I wonder if other moms have experienced this too. Whatever it is, there’s a really big “something” between moms and daughters. At least that’s how it seems to me.

    Thanks for posting this blog and its great graphics.

    • Boy Ramona I wish you had you as a teacher…I had nuns, and that’s an entirely different blog post! Thank you for posting such an insightful comment and thank-you for the kind words.

    • Boy Ramona I wish you had you as a teacher…I had nuns, and that’s an entirely different blog post! Thank you for posting such an insightful comment and thank-you for the kind words.

  • A pretty insightful look at what happens when you become a mother. And to think this all stared from a conversation about blooming onions.

    • LoL You know what’s funny Ken? It’s true, the blog post originated with the blooming onion, but none of the moms commented on that. Perhaps because that’s how a mom’s mind works; connections seem to come out of nowhere.

    • LoL You know what’s funny Ken? It’s true, the blog post originated with the blooming onion, but none of the moms commented on that. Perhaps because that’s how a mom’s mind works; connections seem to come out of nowhere.

  • Catarina Alexon

    My mother didn’t teach me what a blooming onion is either:-) Mind you, she may be forgiven since she’s Swedish. In my experience a father can be as important as a mother. Depends on what charachters they have.

    • Oh, I’m not saying fathers aren’t important, I hope I didn’t give that impression. But you just gave me a great idea for a blog post, Catarina!

    • Oh, I’m not saying fathers aren’t important, I hope I didn’t give that impression. But you just gave me a great idea for a blog post, Catarina!

  • Of course, I had to look up a blooming onion. I saw some pics. In terms of motherhood, I have three kids. One is certainly more work than the other two (namely, my daughter).

    • Blooming onions are pretty nasty, in looks and forget about trying to find nutritional value. One onion can have as much as 2000 calories, and only 49 of those calories come from the onion!

    • Blooming onions are pretty nasty, in looks and forget about trying to find nutritional value. One onion can have as much as 2000 calories, and only 49 of those calories come from the onion!

  • Mahal Hudson

    Just wanted to say….thank you very much. Such a great timing for me to read this.

  • Jacqueline Gum

    Ah… I’ve never had kids, but I had a mother. So that makes my perspective a bit different:) I think too many people assume that all women have built-in mothering instincts. I’ve seen far too often this theory disproved. But sometimes, the mother’s influence is a model for what a child doesn’t want to be and that is not necessarily bad thing either.

    • The mother-daughter is a double-edged sword. The attachment we have to our mothers can be a blessing and a curse.

    • The mother-daughter is a double-edged sword. The attachment we have to our mothers can be a blessing and a curse.

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