Unhealthy Relationships / Abusive Relationships: Getting Out And Moving on
Wounds are injuries tearing the skin and the heart. But, healing a skin wound is easy compared to mending a heart. With flesh wounds, blood vessels start constricting, reducing blood flowing to the injury as you reach the First Aid kit. Enzymes release sticky stuff causing the blood cells to clump to each other forming a plug, sealing torn blood vessels. Sealed vessels allow the release of clotting proteins that stop bleeding. How much time did the onset of healing take? Less than one minute. Pretty neat, huh?
Healing is a series of systematic steps or stages that repair and restores an injury. A cut finger begins repairing the minute your brain gets the message; “I’m bleeding, help me”!
Heart wounds also heal in stages. However, your heart can’t begin repairing until you’re ready to recover
Moving On: What To Expect
More about unhealthy relationships
Managing Your Emotional Pain
Leaving such unhealthy relationships isn’t easier than exiting a healthy one. Saying good-bye to a bad relationship isn’t trouble free. Romanticizing that newfound freedom will unfold like an episode of the television series, Friends, is unrealistic. No one placed a hidden key under a doormat somewhere that unlocks your inner strength. Losing a relationship is tough. Fond memories make some days hard to get though and beating the “blues” is a daily routine. Healing emotional wounds happens in stages. Unlike the step by step healing process for a cut finger, mending a heart doesn’t follow a set pattern. Days filled with deep-rooted sadness won’t surface immediately, but weeks, months and for some, years later. Letting go of someone you’ve loved is painful. Building a new life alone is a challenge. You may ask yourself,” Did I do the right thing”? I can tell you this, if the choices are staying in an unhealthy relationship or living alone with the blues? You’re better off with the blues.
Feelings and Coping
Staying with an abusive partner means living with, fear, anger, depression and anxiety. Wouldn’t it follow, that by ending the relationship and leaving your partner the amount of fear, anxiety, anger and depression you experience decreases? But the negative feelings remain and intensify. You’re more emotional and tend to over-react. Understanding the reasons why you feel out of control, helpless and overwhelmed is important and necessary for healing.
Fear: The Conditioned Response
Living within abusive relationships and managing fear is normal. Moving from your partner doesn’t stop uneasy feelings. When an incident occurs that used to anger your spouse you’ll respond the same fearful way. You’ll relive the “stuff” that set of the backlash of his criticizing, blaming and mocking you. Living with your partner or not, your mind and body are conditioned to associate these actions with abuse. So when one of these triggers pops up, your automatic emotional and physical response is fear. Your nervous reaction to possible conflict is a conditioned response. You learned how to be scared. For example, if your pet is used to being fed after hearing the sound of a can or bag being opened, he or she might become excited whenever they hear that sound. The good news is,” if something can be learned it can be unlearned”. The conditioned response of “fear” will weaken each time these incidents occur, and the abuser isn’t present.
Why do you still feel guilty?
The best way to understand your guilty feelings is establishing the source of your guilt. Think back to your relationship. Do you remember feeling sorry for things you knew weren’t your fault? You got sick, the air conditioner not working or the car won’t start. You weren’t only blamed for the problem, but for the insults that followed. Your partner may have cursed you for problems that didn’t even exist. Was your partner jealous of other men, your time or you job?
He didn’t only blamed for the problems, and issues that weren’t your fault, but for the abuse that followed. Your partner blaming you for his abuse was most harmful. When guilt is so drilled in you, it is difficult to let it go. It takes time to get past the guilt. Looking back on your relationship can be painful. ” If only I hadn’t…” or “Why didn’t I remember”? Be careful not to take on new blame scolding yourself for actions you couldn’t control. As you heal from the abuse, letting go of the guilt becomes easier.
Any change in life is stressful and unsettling. With change there’s loss, you’ve given up something or someone. It feels strange starting something new and the tendency is to fall back on what feels comfortable. Your guilt, fear, and loneliness might steer you back to what’s familiar. Learn to recognize old habits and realize you have the power to change them. Remember you can’t stop being a victim until you cut the cord. Now, it’s up to you to decide what kind of life you want. Living in emotionally unhealthy relationships doesn’t define who you are or what the future holds. Healing from the effects of abuse is doable. Thinking your damaged goods limits possibilities. You can do this!
Have a Banner Day!