Unhealthy Relationships / Abusive Relationships: Getting Out And Moving on



Abusive RelationshipsWounds are injuries tearing the skin and the heart. But, healing a skin wound is easy compared to mending a heart. With flesh wounds, blood vessels start constricting, reducing blood flowing to the injury as you reach the First Aid kit. Enzymes release sticky stuff causing the blood cells to clump to each other forming a plug, sealing torn blood vessels. Sealed vessels allow the release of clotting proteins that stop bleeding. How much time did the onset of healing take? Less than one minute. Pretty neat, huh?

Healing is a series of systematic steps or stages that repair and restores an injury. A cut finger begins repairing the minute your brain gets the message; “I’m bleeding, help me”!

Heart wounds also heal in stages. However, your heart can’t begin repairing until you’re ready to recover

Moving On: What To Expect

More about unhealthy relationships




Managing Your Emotional Pain

Leaving such unhealthy relationships isn’t easier than exiting a healthy one. Saying good-bye to a bad relationship isn’t trouble free. Romanticizing that newfound freedom will unfold like an episode of the television series, Friends, is unrealistic. No one placed a hidden key under a doormat somewhere that unlocks your inner strength. Losing a relationship is tough. Fond memories make some days hard to get though and beating the “blues” is a daily routine. Healing emotional wounds happens in stages. Unlike the step by step healing process for a cut finger, mending a heart doesn’t follow a set pattern. Days filled with deep-rooted sadness won’t surface immediately, but weeks, months and for some, years later. Letting go of someone you’ve loved is painful. Building a new life alone is a challenge. You may ask yourself,” Did I do the right thing”? I can tell you this, if the choices are staying in an unhealthy relationship or living alone with the blues? You’re better off with the blues.

Abusive RelationshipsFeelings and Coping

Staying with an abusive partner means living with, fear, anger, depression and anxiety. Wouldn’t it follow, that by ending the relationship and leaving your partner the amount of fear, anxiety, anger and depression you experience decreases? But the negative feelings remain and intensify. You’re more emotional and tend to over-react. Understanding the reasons why you feel out of control, helpless and overwhelmed is important and necessary for healing.

Fear: The Conditioned Response

Living within abusive relationships and managing fear is normal. Moving from your partner doesn’t stop uneasy feelings. When an incident occurs that used to anger your spouse you’ll respond the same fearful way. You’ll relive the “stuff” that set of the backlash of his criticizing, blaming and mocking you. Living with your partner or not, your mind and body are conditioned to associate these actions with abuse. So when one of these triggers pops up, your automatic emotional and physical response is fear. Your nervous reaction to possible conflict is a conditioned response. You learned how to be scared. For example, if your pet is used to being fed after hearing the sound of a can or bag being opened, he or she might become excited whenever they hear that sound. The good news is,” if something can be learned it can be unlearned”. The conditioned response of “fear” will weaken each time these incidents occur, and the abuser isn’t present.


Why do you still feel guilty?
The best way to understand your guilty feelings is establishing the source of your guilt. Think back to your relationship. Do you remember feeling sorry for things you knew weren’t your fault? You got sick, the air conditioner not working or the car won’t start. You weren’t only blamed for the problem, but for the insults that followed. Your partner may have cursed you for problems that didn’t even exist. Was your partner jealous of other men, your time or you job?
He didn’t only blamed for the problems, and issues that weren’t your fault, but for the abuse that followed. Your partner blaming you for his abuse was most harmful. When guilt is so drilled in you, it is difficult to let it go. It takes time to get past the guilt. Looking back on your relationship can be painful. ” If only I hadn’t…” or “Why didn’t I remember”? Be careful not to take on new blame scolding yourself for actions you couldn’t control. As you heal from the abuse, letting go of the guilt becomes easier.

Being OK

Abusive Relationships

Any change in life is stressful and unsettling. With change there’s loss, you’ve given up something or someone. It feels strange starting something new and the tendency is to fall back on what feels comfortable. Your guilt, fear, and loneliness might steer you back to what’s familiar. Learn to recognize old habits and realize you have the power to change them. Remember you can’t stop being a victim until you cut the cord. Now, it’s up to you to decide what kind of life you want. Living in emotionally unhealthy relationships doesn’t define who you are or what the future holds. Healing from the effects of abuse is doable. Thinking your damaged goods limits possibilities. You can do this!

Have a Banner Day!






By | 2017-07-06T11:29:31+00:00 |Categories: Blog, Personality Disorders|Tags: , , |
  • Posts like this always remind me of my first serious boyfriend who turned out to be a pathological liar. That was before the age of SmartPhones and the ability to google help on any topic imaginable, but a post like this would have done wonders for me back then.

    • Hi Jeri,
      Yeah a pathological liar isn’t someone you want at your BBQ let alone in a relationship…I’m glad he’s history.
      Thank you,

  • Hello Pamela
    I agree with you what you have written. It really is a hard thing to leave, no matter the relations. was bad. We have to be strong to leave this abusive relation and must overcome our guilt and fears. Every change is scary with so many questions in mind. This can help many out there.
    Thank you.

    • Thank you Andleeb. sometimes women feel, “I’m the only one ” it’s a relief finding out a lot pf people have similar experiences.

  • A convincing argument Psmela. And I know there are a lot of people who should hearing it.

    • I hope they’re listening!
      Thank you Ken

  • Omg, Pamela! I was thinking of you these past few days! I was confused whether to ask you about posts like this or not, because I know you were very good in things like this. I guess you heard what my mind is saying hahaha.. And today, I had a bonus of hearing your voice, that’s your voice, right?
    I can relate with everything you have said, from the start til the end of your post, except the Banner Day, I don’t know what does it mean, I’m sorry haha! Been there. But I can’t stop from thinking about the “Guilt” part in your post, you hit me there. Wish to receive more of your posts from my inbox 🙂

    • Thank you for kind words jhem! Yes that is my voice. If you go to my homepage, http://www.haartfelt.com, I have a few of my character voices posted…have a listen
      Guilt is a tough one isn’t it? Guilt is ALL about the past, no amount of worrying is going to change the past. If you need to focus on the past, focus on the day you decided to leave.
      Jhem if you subscribed to the blog, the posts will go straight to your email.
      Have a banner day means have the best day ever. A day so wonderful you’d carry a “banner” in a parade
      Have a banner week end!

      • Aww, yes.. I always listen whenever I visited your blog, I used to play some of those recordings and lately, I let my bestfriend to hear your voice, too. I also share this post with her when I visited her and we read again and again. We discussed things regarding this, she was amazed and agrees that all you have said were true and is happening in real life.
        And yes, guilt is really a tough one! Moving on will make guilt feelings get bettter though.

        And thanks Pamela about the Banner Day, now I know 🙂

        • Jhem you’re great I may ask you to be my manager! Thank you for spreading the word.
          Remember the only times we feel guilty is when we’re living in the past. You can sit and say to yourself, “OK for the next 15 minutes I”m going to get an “A+” in feeling guilty.” Guess what has changed after that 15 minutes? NOTHING Yet we all have problems letting go of guilt, even though it has no effect.
          If there’s a topic you like me to cover please let me know.
          Be kind to yourself,


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